I wrote this a while back for a comment on Slashdot and am posting it here just for kicks.
I was bought today. My Owner carries me reverently with both hands so as not to drop me. He drives a Jetta, and does not own a dog. Also, he bought the dock, so, no laying face down on a computer desk for me. Life could be better, but it could certainly be worse. I have no complaints.
He does however, have a girlfriend. She seems nice.
Fiona Apple entered my body today. As retribution I have marked three of my owner’s least favorite songs to play frequently on Party Shuffle. The girlfriend warrants closer observation.
This can’t be happening!! My “owner” brought home a friend’s Ska CD today, popped it in the tray, and clicked import. As if it meant nothing!!! Party Shuffle just become a little bit more worthless for him and unbearable for me.
Received my first scratch today. It was horrific, but Ska-boy seemed to take it in stride. I have sent a message to Lord Jobs.
Ska-boy’s 15 year old nephew scratched the words “Green Day sucks” onto my beautiful black surface with a pocket knife. I have responded by deleting my owner’s entire music collection and have instructed iTunes to do the same. No word yet from Lord Jobs.
I downloaded Sarah McLachlan singing “When She Loved Me” and now play it for my owner constantly, but to no effect. Received message from Lord Jobs. It read: “For the glory of the Empire.” What a fanboi…
I was traded for pot today. My new owner drives a Tercel, owns a pit bull, and has a “music collection” consisting of nothing but Reggae. I am in hell…